Food-Like Substance

FLS (Food-Like Substance) Review

On Friday, I was on my way to meet Konrad Urban, BOTA, Thinker, MJ, and Annie at the International Motorcycle Show at the Javits center in NYC, and I was hungry but running late to meet K-U. As I’m driving along Route 46 towards the ferry in Weehauken, it occurs to me that there is a Taco Bell on the way, and Ive seen commercials for some horrible new burrito-thing that I figured I must try. So I stop in since it’s on the right side of the road and they have a drive through and I figure I can eat it with one hand while driving.

Thus I came to consume a “Beafy Cheeze Burrito(tm)”

Oh, God! It was disgusting… no, it was tasty… no, it was TASTISGUSTING!

The first giveaway is that it’s called “Beafy(*)” rather than “beef.” If it was made from any decent part of the cow it would be “beef”. Adding that “y” should always set off alarm bells. “Chocolatey” drinks have No Chocolate In Them.   Ditto for “Beefy” FLS’s.

(* – The “a” in “beafy” is for “A-OK to serve to refugees and displaced persons, according to the United Nations)

Next up: the Cheeze. No surprises there; it had cheeze-wiz or something chemically identical in it.

Finally, the Fritos. Yes, this tortilla-turd had FRITOS in it! Not just ANY Fritos… these were pink-friggin’-DAY-GLO Fritos! Because of this, I am CERTAIN that Taco Bell and Frito Lay must be owned by the same parent company. I can only imagine the kind of interaction that was going on in the Frito-Lay food development lab when they were coming up with this version. It went like this, I’m sure:

Senior Chip Design Engineer (SCDE): “You want WHAT?”
Manager of Snack Food Marketing (MSFM): “I want something EYE-Catching. Our focus groups show that people are attracted to shiny, bright things. Can you do something in Chrome? Color studies have shown that Chrome is big this year, especially with the bikers”
SCDE: “But…”
MSFM: “No buts! Just do it if you want to keep your job”
SCDE: *sigh* “OK, I’ll get on it right away.”
SCDE: (under his breath) “you want fuckin’ EYE CATCHING? I’ll give you a goddamned cornea burn! I’ve gotta quit this job and get into something I can feel proud of, like chemical warfare…”

<one month passes>

MSFM: “You ready with that new chip?”
SCDE: “Yup. Here it is” (ta-da!)
MSFM: “I LOVE it, but can you make it brighter?”
SCDE: “Well, we already have nearly toxic levels of Phlebotinum-90 in the flavor dust as it is…”
MSFM: “Goddamned government regulations always wrecking our business plans. OK, I guess it will have to do.”
SCDE: “It does glow under UV light….”
MSFM: “Brilliant! We can install UV fixtures over the end-cap displays!”
SCDE: “And our customers won’t get skin cancer until well after the Phlebotinum-90 has triggered that early-onset Alzheimer’s problem, so they won’t remember to sue us!”
MSFM: “Eeeeexcellent! Smithers! take this to production”

<months pass>

MSFM: “The eye-catching Frito concept is not selling, sir”
CEO: “That is unacceptable! Find a way to MOVE THOSE CHIPS”
MSFM: “I have an idea… we *do* own Taco Bell, don’t we?”
CEO: “Yeeeeessss?”
MSFM: “We could bury these abomina… errr, chips in some kind of covering and sell it through Taco Bell. Those customers are already brain damaged enough to eat that crap. They’ll never notice the hot pink Fritos inside one of those tortilla-turds.”
CEO: “Brilliant! Go to work on the ad campaign right now!”

And so it came to pass that the Beafy Cheeze Burrito has day-glo hot pink Fritos embedded in it. Sure, they add a crunch and some Frito-dust zing to the thing, but I’ve got to believe that bathed in the cheeze-wiz fluid they are only going to remain crunchy for like 10 minutes. That’s OK I guess, because I consumed this thing in about 2 minutes.

Oh, and there is some standard issue Taco Bell rice as filler, because even with Beaf and Cheeze there is no way you can sell this thing for $1.89 without bulking it out with something even cheaper. Which is another disturbing thing about Taco Bell food. Even for fast food this stuff is cheap. The incredibly low cost starts that little voice in your head that says “There is no way this stuff can be safe at this cost. Rat meat is more expensive than this. IAMS dog food costs 2x what this does, pound for pound.” Which brings up the question of Taco Bell clientele. I used the drive through, because you really don’t want to have to go into the store in person because one of the other people might… touch you.

Which brings us to the final conclusion: I hate myself, because I know that someday… late at night, when I’m drunk and/or stoned… I will come back to Taco Bell for another one of these tastisgusting treats. They are awful….lly delicious 🙂